Holy shit boys, was that a fun draft weekend or what? And now that my brain is somewhat close to being back to fully functional, I’m gonna do my yearly draft grades because it’s always a good time for some pointless grading by someone who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Here we go...
DAVE
1.1 — N’Keal Harry — WR — Patriots
Harry is a strong WR with great hands but can struggle to separate (allegedly) and Tom Brady has to show mortality eventually (RIGHT??!!). A surprise pick for sure as I think we all thought Kyler Murray was headed to the McCaffricans...
1.2 — Kyler Murray — QB — Cardinals
Ah, there he is.
3.9 — Terry McLaurin — WR — Craigskins
McLaurin catches the ball with his hands and gets both feet inbounds and he reunites with college QB Haskins in DC, but he prolly won’t do shit. SOTD
4.9 — NyQuill Armstead — RB — Jaguars
Fournette might be the best in the game but he gets hurt. Yeldon is out and Armstead has some wiggle, I think.
TOTAL GRADE: A-
Hard to rip a draft where he got both his guys and some nice pieces late. Well done Dabe, you fucking asshole.
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AARON
1.3 — Josh Jacobs — RB — Rrrrrrrrrrrrraiders
Helps Aaron out two-fold as 1) pairs him with Crybaby Carr and 2) Aaron gets to remain in the league.
1.9 — DK Metcalf — WR — Seahawks
Jesus, you guys let the biggest freak in years slip to 9... That’s why I traded out — so I don’t look like a retard for passing on the likely top-3 ROY candidate............
3.2 — Miles Boykin — WR — Ravens
I thought Boykin was the most underrated WR in the class. Almost as much a freak as DK as he catches with hands and gets feet down.
3.6 — Jarrett STDham — QB — Patriots
He could be heir apparent to T-Brades, if his prick stops pussing...
4.3 — Alexander Mattison — RB — Vikings
Big risk taking Mattison here as Nick selected him 10 picks ago, but I like the gamble.
TOTAL GRADE: A+
Aaron fucking killed it.
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JOSH
1.4 — David Montgomery — RB — Bears
Josh takes the first surprise pick of the draft but it makes sense to pair him with Tarik Coh— Well, DMont is the perfect fit as a tough runner/capable receiver outtadabackfield Chicago’s been missing.
2.2 — Marquise Brown — WR — Ravens
Someone had to rizkit for the limp bizkit on Hollywood (and I KNEW it’d be Josh — just check one of my 36 mocks if you don’t believe me). Josh just hopes Lamar can throw the ball.
2.6 — Deebo Samuel — WR — Niners
Deebo is damn good and may very well be the SOTD. Catches the ball with hands and gets both feet in bounds.
3.8 — Rodney Anderson — RB — Bengals
Clearly, a ploy to get me to trade for my boy/Mixy’s backup. But it won’t work! (Offers a 2).
3.10 — Bruce Anderson — RB — NDSU
Josh’s patented yearly as-yet undrafted player is always fun. I think he ended up in Tampa though. Tough break Josh, he’s stuck behind RoJo and PBarbs...
4.10 — Easton’s Dick — QB — San Diego
Worth a shot, but this Bison is more likely a Jag.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Solid draft all around but maybe could’ve taken better risks late. And fuck you for taking Rodney.
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GARRET
1.5 — Dwayne Haskins — QB — Redsavages
Stephen A is here to say taking a shot on Haskins is a risky play. But if it turns out this kid’s a stud, Garret’s team won’t take long to get outta the mud. Watching him play will be loads of fun, even if he doesn’t throw as well as he runs.
2.8 — Damien Harris — RB — Pats
Fuck you, Belichick.
-Sony Michel owners everywhere.
4.12 — Zion Williamson — SF/PF — Duke
This kid does it all on the court, but does he have a true position?
TOTAL GRADE: C+
Garret gave his 1 next year to goddamn Dalton. This noob has much to learn.
Love the Zion pick though. SOTD.
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TEE
1.6 — Daniel Jones — QB — Giants
Aaron told me Tee paid a bunch to move up to 6 to, like the Giants, get Daniel Jones for some reason. Young QBs are always fun though, no matter how much they suck.
2.7 — Darrell Henderson — RB — Rams
Necessary pick by Tee and the Rams with no-knee Gurley. Newly a father, it’s encouraging to see Tee making responsible choices.
4.1 — Riley Ridley — WR — Bears
Might be SOTD. Good route runners typically have a good chance in the league. Good spot too.
TOTAL GRADE: B-
Whole thing depends on whether Jones was worth it or not. Nice picks in Henderson and Ridley, but prolly not much to write home about year 1.
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DUSTIN
1.7 — AJ Brown — WR — Titans
Good pick here, AJ figures to get a lot of underneath targets from needledick MarMar. I would’ve opted for the more potential with DK though.
1.11 — JJ Arcega-Whiteside — WR — Eagles
JJ should’ve gone to Aaron at 9 but Dustin blew it by passing on DK!!! But that aside, JAWS is a good fit in Philly and might take over for Alshon in a year or two.
2.4 — Will Grier — QB — Panthers
Worst pick of the draft. Asshole.
2.9 — Hakeem Butler — WR — Cardinals
Great pick at 21 if Hakeem he can catch the ball with his hands while getting both feet correctly in bounds.
3.4 — TJ Hockenson — TE — Lions
TEs are dead, dummy. What a terrible pick. SOTD.
4.4 — Preston Williams — WR — Can’t remember
He is talented — at beating women.
TOTAL GRADE: F Fucking Minus
Grier sucks. Why’d you draft him?
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JOEY
1.8 — Drew Lock — QB — Broncos
Like fellow noob Garret, Joey gave up his 1 next year to move up for a QB. Unlike fellow noob Garret, however, Joey did it for a 2nd round QB drafted by DENVER! Did we not tell these guys next year’s draft class is fuh-king STAAAAAAAAAAAAACKED???
1.12 — Parris Campbell — WR — Colts
Absolute freak athlete heading to play with Andy Luck? Gotta like that.
3.12 — Trayveon Williams — RB — Bengals
Clearly, there was no one else worth drafting here. Except Riley Ridley. And Armstead. And Zion.
4.11 — Mike Weber — RB — Cowboys
Facing little competition in Dallas’ backfield, expect Weber to lead the ‘Boys in carries this season.
-Stephen A
TOTAL GRADE: C
Changes to an A if Drew Lock is a HOFer or if Nick trades the pick used with Joey’s 1st next year for Dez Bryant’s panties before the 2020 preseason.
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CRAIG
1.10 — Andy Isabella — WR — Cardinals
Craig had to about shitting his pants as he watched the biggest freak WR since Megatron tumble to one spot before his pick. As a result, Craig settled for the littlest bitch white guy receiver since Welkertron.
2.12 — Ryan Finley — QB — Bengals
Could be solid value if Finley eventually takes the job from Red Dick Rifle. If that ends up being the case though, pray for Cincinnati.
4.6 — Jalen Hurd — WR — Niners
Good spot for a big former RB who beat out Alvin Kamara for snaps then transferred and switched to WR to get drafted to a team with 80 different other young WRs to contend with to go.
TOTAL GRADE: C
Idk, I don’t think Craig will get much out of these guys. I don’t care how scrappy, white collar and gym ratty they are.
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ISAAC
2.1 — Miles Sanders — RB — Eagles
I was surprised as anyone Sanders fell to 13. It pretty much is a death sentence for JoHo, so I’m pumped his replacement fell into my lap. But I wish I had DK instead....
2.5 — Mecole Hardman — WR — Chiefs
Tyreek just can’t stop hitting his wife and kid hard, man. Wait. “Hard, man”? Hardman? Nice! Does that make me cool? Wait. “Me cool”? Mecole? DK?
3.10 — Kelvin Harmon — WR — Injuns
Why did Harmon fall so far in both drafts? Why didn’t I stick around for DK? Why didn’t that doctor/lawyer chick think I was exceptionally cute? Mostly the DK thing though...
4.7 — Irv Smith Jr. — TE — Vikes
GIVE ME ALL THE TIGHT ENDS
TOTAL GRADE: B
Pretty happy about my draft. Until I think about how I could’ve gotten DK.....
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DALTON
2.3 — Devin Singletary — RB —Bills
I mean, Singletary only fell in the draft because he’s small and slow...
2.10 — Diontae Johnson — WR — Steelers
WHO?!?! ....Oh, the Steelers drafted him? Great pick.
3.7 — Darwin Thompson — RB — Chiefs
Might end up being that “Fuck you, Dalton...” pick of the draft. Or, it’ll be that “LOL fuck you Dalton!” Pick of the draft.
4.5 — Qadree Ollison — RB — Falcons
(See above)
TOTAL GRADE: B+
Dalton got likely a top 3 pick in next year’s crazy STAAAAAAAAACKED draft. That alone should get him an A. He also has some sneaky good situations with every pick.
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NICK
2.11 — Alexander Mattison — RB — Vikes
The most ironic pick of the draft, no way this 4.67 guy has a good SPARQ score... But skol Vikes.
3.1 — Noah Fant — TE — Broncos
The Tight Ends arms race between Nick and the ‘Geddon$ intensifies. Fant is good. I guess you could say he’s Fant-antastic! Don’t you wanta?
4.2 — Justice Hill — RB — Ravens
SPARQ score up the ass, I’m sure. Hill is in an OK spot to carve out a Gio-esque role.
TOTAL GRADE: B+
Nice to see Nick go full Bomb for Fromm mode, gaining an extra 1 in next year’s insanely STAAAAAAAAAAACKED draft and pick up a couple nice little sitches while he’s at it. Thanks in advance for the keg though, man...
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DART
3.3 — Bryce Love — RB — Dave Jr.s
Leave it to Dart to somehow stand pat in the third and end up with a consensus top-10 guy just 6 months ago. Sure, he got hurt but he’s well worth the risk at 27 overall.
3.5 — Benny Snell Jr. — RB — Steelers
What do we know about the Steelers? They love big, plodding backs. What else do we know about the Steelers? They don’t pay anyone except Rapey McGee. Give it a year or two, and Snell is the lead guy in Shittsburgh.
4.8 — Gary Jennings Jr. — WR — Seahawks
What do we know about the Seahawks? They need a slot WR to replace Doug Baldwin who is retiring now I guess. What do we know about Gary Jennings Jr.? Nothing. Other than he was thrown to by a golden god of a QB in college. I’m glad I didn’t get DK, this guys the SOTD.
TOTAL GRADE: B+
Dart did about as good as you can do with the picks he had. Take care of DeAndre for me, man. Just remember he likes his belly rubbed after dinner and 148 targets every season.
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That’s bipadabipadabip that’s all, folks! Let’s enjoy the baseball season! Also, I hope all your rookies fuck each other to death! #FournetteflixAndChill